Tonight brings us the Superbowl champion Indianapolis Colts featuring their assortment of ringless, scrubball wonders verses the Cowboys of Dallas and their multitude of starting players not named Romo. Wheremo? Not heremo.
The 'boys canned the Tuna this offseason and brought in Wade 'the fade' Phillips. [extended comments on offseason cowboys]
The question for the Colts coming into tonight's contest is how many audibles will Peyton Manning be calling from the sideline, is Peyton Manning's head still larger than a Thanksgiving turkey, and how will Peyton Manning manage a game in which his head isn't playing. [blah blah about colts offseason]
Pre-season football seems like the perfect simulacrum for Fox's Thursday night line-up. Beam us up from the affiliate syndication hour to the national audience mother ship.
Other burning question for tonight's first network, national game (sorry NFLN, but until you stop playing slappycakes with T-W and who knows how many other cable providers, you're just not a real network [I would continue mocking the NFLN here, but since I can't view it, I'm a little thin on material]... so, other jock-itch-like burning questions for this evening's telecast:
- Will the Fox Football Robot be replaced by a less talented robot who 6 months ago was auto-sorting second-class mail in a Wyoming post office?
- Will Joe Buck be replaced by a less talented robot who 6 months ago was auto-sorting mail in a Wyoming post office?
- Will the refs all be replaced by low-rent high school basketball refs, none of whom can come close to the skull-crushing mega muscle power of 'Guns' Hochuli?
- What arcane and unenforcable infractions has the NoFunLeague come up with this year? Can they really spot the 'No illegal onside ineligible crackback downfield after the fair catch out of bounds' rule?
- Question for Coach Dungy: So do you thank God after a pre-season win, or is that like sacrilegious?
- Question for Coach Phillips: So has T.O. killed himself yet? And if not, what is taking so long?
- Question for ourselves: Are we really drunk enough to watch pre-season football?
T-minus 15 minus. I'm all tingly with excitement for all the new ad campaigns, network promos, and all that jimmy jazz that comes with a season. They say people watch the Superbowl for the commercials, but let's be honest, people watch the pre-season for the commercials.
Pre-Season Pre-game on! "It all ends here [Glendale Arizona]." I mean, what doesn't end in Glendale Arizona?
Foxbot in mid-season form. Damn, he's a machine!
Buck & Aikman. Great. Troy's hair clearly on the PUP list to start the pre-season. Not expected to return to the lineup until week 8.
Someone 'hit the hole hard'. Yet again.
T.O. in regular season 'complaining about calls' form.
Joe Buck, quite familiar with #1 units.
Yikes, yeah Romo overthrew into triple-coverage just to appease Me.O. and missed Whitten uncovered on the seam slant.
And Automatica craps it through the uprights. Put it on the board. 3-nil. 'Boys mount a 10 minute drive - mostly check-down city, but they moved the chains. The Colts just lost the Pre-Super-Season-First-Quarter-Bowl.
Joe Buck just called Peyton Manning 'all-world.' Ew.
Material alert! Colts return man named 'Rushing.' Delectable puns forthcoming.
Manning & QE2. Amazing (-ly pathetic). Well, that just guaranteed Peyton a season-ending injury within the next 2 months. You read it here first.
Colts on field. Let the 'superstar' suck-up begin.
Dallas clearly perfected the Cover-0 in training camp.
Vinatieri can't be bothered to show up for the pre-season. What a precious fuck.
Create your own dirty joke involving 'aliens' 'Nicole Kidman' & 'probing.'
I think I just Jim Courier in a QB uniform number on the Colts sideline.
Let's hear it for Bum!
Uh, yeah, bit of a late hit there my man.
Pre-season craptacular! Delay of game on 1st down after a roughing the passer call. Classic.
1Q over, there go the starters. So what did we learn in this first quarter? Uh, Gatorade is in me?
Q2 begins.
No, there's never an offseason when you're a cheerleader. That's all I'm saying on that.
Couple of good throws by Romo. He's got that weird short-arm quick delivery, kinda like Phillip Rivers. But he's got some zip and has hit his targets nicely... And there's Marion Barber for no gain.
Romo beat the blitz well, but let it be noted that the stunting LBs did run into each other.
Yet another helmet pops off. Probably these new concussion-proof helmets. The just pop right off so that instead of getting a concussion, you get a helmet to the bare skull and simply die right there. Far fewer side effects (not to mention medical bills) from death than from concussions.
Texas stadium wisely one of those venues where the seats are the same color as the team's main color so you can't quite tell when the place is 1/4 filled.
This NFL Superfan (where they show 8 games at once on your TV screen) somehow reminds me of someone opening a tub of CoolWhip and just cramming their face into it.
Right, another figgie. 6-3. Ideal height of an NFL starting QB.
Sorgi sighting! Nice throw too. BTW, the latin declination for Sorgi is:
Sorgi
Sorgorum
Sorgis
Sorgos
Sorgis
Good point by Troy (and yes, it hurts me to say that), but who the hell is going to spell Addai? This is where I consult my pre-season preview and ask nobody in particular 'Who dat?'
Pre-Season Craptacular! Quick-snap 4th & 1 and they still can't pick it up. About half a yard short from classic.
Jet Li and Jason Statham? And it's called 'War'? Do I need to bring my Socom headset to this movie?
Joe & Troy are blathering on about Brad Johnson and clearly demonstrating that they didn't view or review a single of his 14 starts last year.
Outro clip of Romo acting goofy and making funny faces on the sideline. Hey Romo, three words: 'bobbled the snap.'
There's our crowd shot of the destitute, desperate, and demented wastrels that make up a pre-season crowd. Oh and it's in Texas, so add 'the armed' to that list.
Sorgi pump fakes then overthrows the ball about 10 yards and out of bounds. He basically pump faked then threw faked.
Two minute warning. I'm not sure you can call it a 'warning' when you're talking about a break in pre-season football. It's more like a promise. So there's the two-minute promise. It came right after the punt return for 1 yard, needless to say.
They're claiming Chris Myers is drinking a half-lemonade, half-iced tea to prepare for the halftime show, but I know a Fuzzy Nipple when I see it. Oh, wait, uh, no I don't.
Troy just said the holding penalty didn't take away "what the run was about." Yes Troy, the metaphysical and spiritual implications clearly outweighed the measly yardage & first-down gain.
Oh, that crazy FoxBot. As taunty as always. He don't care if it's pre-season. That bot still gonna call you out, sucka!
Come on, so the snap was a little high. Johnson clanked it off his knee and dropped it. There goes that drive. Another Brad special!
Colts stop the clock on 'boys 4th down. With 37 seconds left. Seriously, who are you kidding. Just let it end! Then again, it's Dungy, so he needs all the pre-season clock management practice he can get.
Then the Colts get the ball and kneel.
OMG, but Wade the Fade called a time out! Wade clearly suspicious of that 'fake kneel' formation.
First half over. Please spend the following 15 minutes contemplating the following photograph.
Better call an ambulance. You just got shot by 'Guns' Hochuli.
Well I coulda provided some halftime crapalysis or I coulda gone on a beer run. Beer!
Jerry Jones in the powder blue. Lookin' sharp, dandy.
Wow, they're calling Cowboys training camp 'Camp Cupcake'? That's awesome. How about 'Camp Brokeback'?
Well there's a little excitement. Tip, Int, TD. Cupcake that.
Can you do promos by putting tv show stars at pre-season games. Clearly falling into the 'any exposure is good exposure' category.
Sorgi figured he'd follow-up the INT with a sack. He's a stat monster!
Some dude I can't name just got destroyed by another dude I can't name. Wow, it's just like watching hockey.
So, a Simpsons Whopper BK commercial, eh? Groening must be spinning in his grave. What, he's still alive!
Damn, Matt Moore for a stree-ike!
Well, Blogger is f'ing me (they apparently manage # of posts), so I'm just going to start adding to this one post. Um, who am I talking to exactly?
Eek, another short-yardage play not picked up. It's pre-season, they might as well call it 3rd & hopeless.
Pre-season measurement. A little exercise called 'What's the point.'
I think the Cowboys have thrown 96% of their passes to the TE tonight. Not that I'm complaining, I've never understood why that position was so generally underutilized.
Hey, any drive that features a lot of Tyson Thompson is bound to end in a TD... You know, I hadn't even considered the notion of a pre-season blowout. It's like a level of hell that Dante forgot about.
Buck said the 'jury is still out' on Grossman. It's nice that the conviction for 'Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Noodle Arm' hasn't come down yet.
Marvin Harrison provides today's update on the current status of the sports interview cliche.
I simply don't understand this DirectTV campaign for the SuperFan or the Sunday Ticket. Watching 8 games at once isn't like getting a bikini wax. The Ticket isn't like putting on a dress. I mean, why make it sissy. As mention, SuperFan is like gorging on CoolWhip, the ticket is like getting a Kegerator for your studio apartment. The whole DirectTV NFL thingy (insert anti-trust complaint here) is like consciously adopting a smack habit and enjoying it.
Oh look, they're repositioning the umpire for pre-season weeks 1 & 3. Wow, this really couldn't get more boring. Please, tell me, is there perhaps a new chemical element in the goal-line sideline foam marker thingy that makes it more orange? Tell me more!
Props to Buck - only 6 penalties. So we do have something to be thankful for.
3Q over. They are actually managing to suck up to Bill Parcells, the most unlikeable non-player in football. Amazing.
Gramatica. 4th quarter. Money. Currencyatica. Greenbackica. (and hey Buck, it was Bill, not Martin that injured himself celebrating. Come on, dude).
Oh God. Dungy's crapfest self-help, businessman's special, ghost-written biblebook gets a little free pub. Is book burning legal?
Someone just put a live cockroach on Romo while Pam was asking some inane question. If it were Theismann, he would have tried to kiss it. But it was Romo, so he dropped it. Bam!
Then Buck disses Pam and her pretend journalism! Awesome. This is like those end-of-game times when Summerall clearly had about 6 martinis in him.
Inter-ma-ception. Put it in the... what, 9 minutes left!
Yes! New boner pill commercial! Viva Viagara. I'm speechless.
Sideline Freeney interview. His lips keep moving, but all I'm hearing is 'overpaid... overpaid... overpaid.'
Troy claims the Freeney deal was good b/c it let the defense know that they're appreciated (or worth it or something) too. Yeah, you couldn't find another player who spin-rushes out of run defense like that dude.
Okay, there's a comedian in the production booth as they intro from the commercial showing a fan holding a 'Romo is our Homie' sign. Certainly no tonyhomo.com in-joke there.
Buck is obsessed with the fact that the Statue of Liberty can entirely fit inside the forthcoming new 'Boys stadium. Makes sense, of course a symbol of liberty would be locked up inside a building in Texas. Gee Joe, ya think they can fit the Liberty Bell inside a Texas gas chamber too?
Is it really a crossing route when the receivers are standing next to each other?
Colts hit paydirt! Is there a line on pre-season games? I love the image of that desparate Vegas washout that has his last nickel riding on Colts last-stringers covering some retard-o-line.
Least exciting onside kick in the history of football.... and here's the two-minute promise.
'Boys by 6 apparently. Money. Greenbackmaticas.
Okay, Buck just claimed Dungy said that 'da Edge' was the smartest player he's ever coached. Did anyone read 'da Edge's' former column on NFL.com back when he was a Colt? Because that assertion is ludicrous beyond comprehension. Oh, look, the game ended. Any beer left?
Good night.
Well, Blogger is f'ing me (they apparently manage # of posts), so I'm just going to start adding to this one post. Um, who am I talking to exactly?
Eek, another short-yardage play not picked up. It's pre-season, they might as well call it 3rd & hopeless.
Pre-season measurement. A little exercise called 'What's the point.'
I think the Cowboys have thrown 96% of their passes to the TE tonight. Not that I'm complaining, I've never understood why that position was so generally underutilized.
Hey, any drive that features a lot of Tyson Thompson is bound to end in a TD... You know, I hadn't even considered the notion of a pre-season blowout. It's like a level of hell that Dante forgot about.
Buck said the 'jury is still out' on Grossman. It's nice that the conviction for 'Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Noodle Arm' hasn't come down yet.
Marvin Harrison provides today's update on the current status of the sports interview cliche.
I simply don't understand this DirectTV campaign for the SuperFan or the Sunday Ticket. Watching 8 games at once isn't like getting a bikini wax. The Ticket isn't like putting on a dress. I mean, why make it sissy. As mention, SuperFan is like gorging on CoolWhip, the ticket is like getting a Kegerator for your studio apartment. The whole DirectTV NFL thingy (insert anti-trust complaint here) is like consciously adopting a smack habit and enjoying it.
Oh look, they're repositioning the umpire for pre-season weeks 1 & 3. Wow, this really couldn't get more boring. Please, tell me, is there perhaps a new chemical element in the goal-line sideline foam marker thingy that makes it more orange? Tell me more!
Props to Buck - only 6 penalties. So we do have something to be thankful for.
3Q over. They are actually managing to suck up to Bill Parcells, the most unlikeable non-player in football. Amazing.
Gramatica. 4th quarter. Money. Currencyatica. Greenbackica. (and hey Buck, it was Bill, not Martin that injured himself celebrating. Come on, dude).
Oh God. Dungy's crapfest self-help, businessman's special, ghost-written biblebook gets a little free pub. Is book burning legal?
Someone just put a live cockroach on Romo while Pam was asking some inane question. If it were Theismann, he would have tried to kiss it. But it was Romo, so he dropped it. Bam!
Then Buck disses Pam and her pretend journalism! Awesome. This is like those end-of-game times when Summerall clearly had about 6 martinis in him.
Inter-ma-ception. Put it in the... what, 9 minutes left!
Yes! New boner pill commercial! Viva Viagara. I'm speechless.
Sideline Freeney interview. His lips keep moving, but all I'm hearing is 'overpaid... overpaid... overpaid.'
Troy claims the Freeney deal was good b/c it let the defense know that they're appreciated (or worth it or something) too. Yeah, you couldn't find another player who spin-rushes out of run defense like that dude.
Okay, there's a comedian in the production booth as they intro from the commercial showing a fan holding a 'Romo is our Homie' sign. Certainly no tonyhomo.com in-joke there.
Buck is obsessed with the fact that the Statue of Liberty can entirely fit inside the forthcoming new 'Boys stadium. Makes sense, of course a symbol of liberty would be locked up inside a building in Texas. Gee Joe, ya think they can fit the Liberty Bell inside a Texas gas chamber too?
Is it really a crossing route when the receivers are standing next to each other?
Colts hit paydirt! Is there a line on pre-season games? I love the image of that desparate Vegas washout that has his last nickel riding on Colts last-stringers covering some retard-o-line.
Least exciting onside kick in the history of football.... and here's the two-minute promise.
'Boys by 6 apparently. Money. Greenbackmaticas.
Okay, Buck just claimed Dungy said that 'da Edge' was the smartest player he's ever coached. Did anyone read 'da Edge's' former column on NFL.com back when he was a Colt? Because that assertion is ludicrous beyond comprehension. Oh, look, the game ended. Any beer left?
Good night.
